farewell talk

Here is my farewell talk. For those of you who have read my decision story here, some of this will be familiar - I felt prompted that I needed to share my story with my ward and those who were going to attend my farewell. I thought it turned out pretty well! And the meeting was amazing... It was a great day. :)


About a month ago, I had the opportunity to attend a wonderful mission prep class taught by Brother and Sister Reynolds. The topic was revelation – specifically personal revelation. I had been praying to know what I should speak on, since my topic was left up to me, and I felt impressed that this was my answer. I thought it was fitting, since it’s something that I have come to understand a bit more through recent events.

Preach My Gospel defines revelation as “communication from God to His children on earth” and states that it “provides guidance that can lead the faithful to eternal salvation in the Celestial kingdom.” It is directly related to prayer, which is really a two-way communication – we ask, and Heavenly Father answers. This is a truth that some other cultures and religions do not understand, but is so vital to receiving the Lord’s guidance in our lives. It is also something that I am learning to understand in my own life. I would like to share an example – an experience in my own life related to my decision to serve a mission, and what I learned about seeking for and receiving revelation in the process.

When President Monson announced the age change for missionaries last October, I was so excited! For as long as I can remember, I have had a strong desire to serve a mission. I remember singing I Hope They Call Me on a Mission in Primary, and then, after my growth spurt when I was 12, telling my mom that I'd already grown a foot or two. Before the change, I still had just under two years before I could even turn in my papers, but, with my 19^th birthday in November, I could now turn them in as soon as they were completed. After talking to my parents about it, I made an appointment with the bishop of my Singles Ward in Logan to start the process. I hadn’t sought the Lord’s advice on the matter yet, but I really wanted to serve, so I decided that I simply could not wait.

I met with my bishop the Tuesday following conference. We talked for a while, then he said that because the bishop of my home ward had not responded to his communications yet, he couldn't give me access to my papers yet. As soon as he discovered that I hadn't really sought the Lord's advice on the matter, he advised me to fast, pray, and study it out in my scriptures until Sunday, when we'd have our next meeting. He also shared with me D&C 9:7-9, and urged me to follow the Lord's counsel found there.

 7 Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.
 8 But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. 9 But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.

That hit me really hard. I really hadn't asked yet... I knew that I needed to. I started to really ponder on those three verses, and I also started to question whether I really knew I was supposed to go. Growing up, I had received what I felt were confirmations that I was supposed to go on several occasions, but the more I thought about it all, the more I wondered whether they were actual confirmations or if I’d just wanted them to be confirmations. What if I wasn’t supposed to serve a mission, even though everything seemed to be working out in favor of it? I wanted to do the Lord’s will, but it was so hard for me to think about the possibility that, after a lifetime of desires, a mission might not be what the Lord had planned for me.

I followed my bishop’s counsel, and also the Lord’s counsel in D&C 9, but I didn’t feel like I was getting an answer. My Sunday appointment rolled around, and I told my bishop that I would like to start my papers regardless. I continued to fast, pray, and study as I finished my papers and went to the required doctor and dentist appointments, but still did not feel that I had an answer yet.

I finished my papers on a Tuesday, and my bishop sent them to the Stake level. The Stake Executive Secretary called, and I set up an appointment with a member of the Stake Presidency for the next Sunday. As time went on, I became more and more worried that what I thought was the lack of an answer might actually be the "stupor of thought" that the Lord mentions in D&C 9:9. 

That Friday, I attended a wonderful Religion in Life devotional at the Logan Institute. The sister who spoke, I believe her name was Sister Olsen, talked about her mission story - she had not wanted to serve a mission, but her bishop had asked her to consider it. She prayed about it, but did not feel like she was getting an answer, so she assumed that the Lord was leaving it up to her, and decided that she wasn't going. A friend of hers attended a devotional where an older sister spoke about receiving answers to prayers, and suggested that Sister Olsen come talk to her and get her opinion on the situation. When asked, the older sister told her that she believed that the reason Sister Olsen was still concerned about the situation, despite her decision not to go, was that she had in fact received an answer, and it was a yes.

As wonderful as the devotional was, I started to doubt more than I ever had before. In my notes from the devotional, I wrote, "Have I already gotten my answer?" and "I need to be open to the Lord's will, even if His will is that I stay here." I was upset, and, as I thought about it more, I actually began to feel physically sick. I biked back to my apartment, took the stairs two at a time, entered my door, and called my mother.

I felt horrible - what if my answer really was no? What would I tell my bishop and the Stake Presidency? I knew that they'd understand, but I felt like I'd be letting them down, after taking up time they could have spent interviewing other people. My dark feeling turned into tears as I told my mom about the devotional and my doubts. She consoled me as best she could, but also told me that my fears could very well be real. She also reminded me that, if I felt darkly, maybe the feeling wasn't the Holy Ghost - maybe it was Satan. I'd forgotten about the power of the adversary in my search for an answer.

In Elder Melvin J. Ballard’s 1928 talk “Struggle for the Soul, he mentions Goethe’s Faust, in which an old man, Faust, wants to become young again. He prays for this transformation, but because it is an unrighteous desire, the Lord has no answer for him. Faust persists in his prayers, and the devil answers him, offering youth in exchange for his soul. Elder Ballard goes on to say that sometimes, “when we persist [in our prayers], not willing to say “Father, thy will, not mine, be done,” it is quite possible that the devil may answer us, as he did Faust.”

Something else to remember is that the Lord is not the only one who recognizes righteous desires. The adversary watches us as well, and will do everything within his power to bring us down. In the spring of 1820, Joseph Smith went into a grove of trees, seeking a peaceful place to ask the Lord which church he should join. Though it was there that he received his first vision of the Father and Son, he was first overcome by an evil, dark power. In Joseph Smith History 1:15, he says “Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.” As shown in his story, the easiest way to tell who is answering us can be found in the feelings itself. My feeling was dark – it made me feel uneasy and sick. In D&C 11:11, the Lord tells us: “I am the light which shineth in darkness…” and then in 11:13 “I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind…” The Spirit will never give us a dark feeling – the Lord is light.

After discussing the distinct possibility that my feelings had come from the adversary, my mom advised me to continue praying and studying until my interview - maybe by then I'd have a definite answer. Despite my dismay at the thought of not going on a mission, I decided at that point that if my answer really was no, I would not go. I also felt that, either way, everything would make sense after my interview.

After what seemed like an eternity, my Sunday appointment rolled around. I walked into the office of President Rigby, the second counselor in my Stake Presidency. After an opening prayer and introductions both ways, he started the interview. I answered all of his questions, a little bit nervous that he'd tell me I wasn't supposed to go, or that I'd receive a definite answer that this was not what I was supposed to be doing. He asked me a few questions about my papers, made a few corrections... and then he asked me why I wanted to serve a mission.

As I pondered his question, I was overcome by an overwhelming sense of joy. I told him about how grateful I am for the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, and that I cannot bear to think that there are people out there who cannot partake in its blessings simply because they don't know about them! I realized that even though I did not know where I would be serving, I already loved the people there, wherever it was. I told him as much, and he told me that feeling would only grow. He congratulated me on my decision, told me he would send my papers on to Salt Lake later that day, and we closed with a prayer. I knew that I had finally received my answer.

As hard as those few weeks of doubt were, they were so worth it. If anything, they made me more sure about my decision in the end. To feel that immense darkness and then to feel overwhelming light so close together made everything so much more poignant. Really, I'm grateful for that horrible feeling, because it made the light seem that much brighter.

I learned a lot through this series of experiences, but these are the main points I would like to share.  

The first is the significance of prayerfully seeking guidance – the Lord does not usually just give us what we’re looking for unless we live righteously and give heed to the counsel in James 1:5 – “If any man lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not…”In October 1994 General Conference, President Boyd K. Packer said “You have your agency, and inspiration does not – perhaps cannot – flow unless you ask for it, or someone asks for you. No message in scripture is repeated more often than the invitation , even the command, to pray – to ask. Prayer is so essential a part of revelation that without it, the veil may remain closed to you. Learn to pray. Pray often. Pray in your mind, in your heart. Pray on your knees.”

The next is patience – to remember that the Lord will answer us in His own time, not in ours. One of my favorite conference talks, “Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer,” which Elder Richard G. Scott gave in April 2007, addresses this well, and actually really helped me as I waited for an answer. Elder Scott said -“I have discovered that what sometimes seems an impenetrable barrier to communication is a giant step to be taken in trust. Seldom will you receive a complete response all at once. It will come a piece at a time, in packets, so that you will grow in capacity. As each piece is followed in faith, you will be led to other portions until you have the whole answer. That pattern requires you to exercise faith in our Father’s capacity to respond. While sometimes it’s very hard, it results in significant personal growth.”  The Lord will answer us in pieces at times when they will impact us the most. He will also make sure that we really want an answer before he gives it to us. We need to truly seek for it – study it out in our scriptures, pray about it, and even fast about it. Ether 12:27 tells us that “…faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” We cannot obtain His counsel without exercising faith.

Last is the importance of surrendering your own will to the Lord’s. We need to follow Christ’s example and be willing to say, “…nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” We need to have the faith to accept the answer He has for us, whether it is what we desire or not. Again in the talk “Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer”, Elder Scott acknowledges that “At times it is difficult to recognize what is best or expedient for you over time. Your life will be easier when you accept that what God does in your life is for your eternal good.”

I then bore my testimony on personal revelation,  but also on revelation to Priesthood leaders. I know that my call was inspired. I know that it's not a coincidence that I'm serving in the land of my ancestors, speaking their language, or that I'm serving at the same time as my grandparents. I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, everyone! I am so excited to share it with my brothers and sisters in the Belgium/Netherlands mission!