So this is going to be a HUGE post, but I'd like to share the story of why I want to go on a mission, and how I've come this far.
As long as I can remember, I have had a strong desire to serve a mission. That desire has grown through various experiences, but it has been there since I was a little girl. I was always the loudest voice whenever we sang "I Hope They Call Me on a Mission" in Primary. I remember, when I was 7 or 8, singing "We’ll Bring the World His Truth" with my mom for my uncle's mission farewell when he went to the England London Mission. We got to take him to the airport to see him off, and I thought it was so cool that he got to go to England to teach people about Church! Church was so fun! Everyone should get to go to church!
Some years later - I think I was maybe 12 or 13, an older friend of mine (like nine years older than me) decided that she was going to serve a mission. I had looked up to her as long as I'd known her, so I always watched her as an example... My desire to serve my own mission was strengthened tenfold as I saw her prepare, receive her call to the Spain Madrid mission, and become the first missionary I would ever write. Her letters, though we did not exchange many, gave me great insight that I had not previously had as to what missions were actually like. She greatly inspired and influenced my decision to serve.
When I was 14, I received my patriarchal blessing. The Stake Patriarch was a man I had never met. As he laid his hands on my head and started to speak, I knew that he was called of God - he spoke about things that he could not have known about except through divine revelation. I waited for him to say something specific about a mission; to tell me flat out that, if I lived according to the Gospel, I would serve a mission. He didn't. He did, however, tell me I would bring people to the gospel - just not the means. I knew it didn't mean that I wouldn't go, and continued to feel that strong desire to serve.
Over the next five years, I had several more desire and testimony building experiences. There were a few times I believed the Spirit had witnessed to me that I would serve, but I was never certain, because I knew that my 21st birthday was far away, and a lot could happen before then.As I started college and watched friends and fellow students start to seriously date and get married, I realized that, though I did not want to get married before serving a mission, it was a possibility. I decided that if, before I was 21, I dated a man and, after much prayer and deliberation, was answered that I was supposed to marry him, I would do it. I would trust in the Lord, and follow His game plan. However, I still had a burning desire to serve, and held out hope that I would be able to go.
This last October in General Conference, when President Thomas S. Monson announced the age change (from 19 to 18 for men, 21 to 19 for women), the course of my life changed. I didn't have to wait any longer! My 19th birthday was just a few weeks away. I set up an interview with the bishop of my Young Single Adult ward at school, as well as scheduling appointments with both my advisor and the man over my research scholarship. I discovered that, school-wise, everything would work out perfectly! When I met with my bishop the next Tuesday, he had not yet received word from the bishop of my home ward, so he could not give me access to mission papers online yet. He told me to pray, fast, and study my scriptures to make sure that what I wanted was also the Lord's will, and to come back the following Sunday. He also read me this:
I had not really thought much about that before. What if I wasn't supposed to serve a mission, even though everything seemed to be working out in favor of it? Suddenly, after knowing it was what I wanted to do for almost my entire life, I was unsure. I wanted to do the Lord's will, but it was so hard for me to think about the possibility that, after a lifetime of desiring, a mission might not be what the Lord wanted for me. I did what the my bishop and the scripture said, but I didn't feel like I was getting an answer. Sunday came and I told my bishop that I would like to open my papers regardless. Even as I filled out my papers and went to the required doctor and dentist appointments, I did not feel like I had an answer yet.
I finished my papers on a Tuesday, and my bishop sent them to the Stake level. The Stake Executive Secretary called, and I set up an appointment with a member of the Stake Presidency for the next Sunday. As time went on, I became more and more worried that what I thought was the lack of an answer might actually be the "stupor of thought" that the Lord speaks of in D&C 9:9.
That Friday, I attended a wonderful Religion in Life devotional at our Institute. The sister who spoke, I believe her name was Sister Olsen, talked about her mission story - she did not want to serve a mission, but her bishop had asked her to consider it. She prayed about it, but did not feel like she was getting an answer, so she assumed that the Lord was leaving it up to her, and decided that she wasn't going. A friend of hers attended a devotional where an older sister spoke about receiving answers to prayers, and suggested that Sister Olsen come talk to this her and get her opinion on the situation. When asked, the older sister told her that she believed that the reason Sister Olsen was still concerned about the situation, despite her decision not to go, was that she had in fact received an answer, and it was a yes.
As wonderful as the devotional was, I started to doubt more than I ever had before. In my notes from the devotional, I wrote, "Have I already gotten my answer?" and "I need to be open to the Lord's will, even if His will is that I stay here." I was upset, and, as I thought about it more, I actually began to feel physically sick. I biked back to my apartment, took the stairs two at a time, entered my door, and called my mother.
I felt horrible - what if my answer really was no? What would I tell my bishop and the Stake Presidency? I knew that they'd understand, but I felt like I'd be letting them down, after taking up time they could have spent interviewing other people. Despite my dismay at the thought of what might happen, I decided that if my answer really was no, I would stay home, even if it was hard. I also felt that, either way, everything would make sense after my interview. My dark feeling turned into tears as I told my mom about the devotional and my doubts. She consoled me as best she could, but also told me that my fears could very well be real. She also reminded me that, if I felt darkly, maybe the feeling wasn't the Holy Ghost - maybe it was Satan. I'd forgotten about the power of adversary in my search for an answer. After discussing this possibility, because it was very definitely a dark feeling, my mom advised me to continue praying and studying until my interview - maybe by then I'd have a definite answer.
After what seemed like an eternity, my Sunday appointment rolled around. I walked into the office of President Rigby, the second counselor in the Stake Presidency. After an opening prayer and introductions both ways, he started the interview. I answered all of his questions, a little bit nervous that he'd tell me I wasn't supposed to go, or that I'd receive a definite answer that this was not what I was supposed to be doing. He asked me a few questions about my papers, made a few corrections... and the he asked me why I wanted to serve a mission.
As I pondered his question, I was overcome by an overwhelming sense of joy. I told him why - I am so grateful for Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, and I cannot bear to think that there are people out there who cannot partake in its blessings simply because they don't know about them! I realized that even though I did not know where I would be serving, I already loved the people there, wherever it was. I told him as much, and he told me that feeling will only grow. He congratulated me on my decision, told me he would send my papers on to Salt Lake later that day, and we closed with a prayer. The whole time I kept thinking, "I got my answer! I got my answer! I'm supposed to go! How could I not see it before!? I got my answer!"
As hard as those few weeks of doubt were, they were so worth it. If anything, they made me more sure about my decision in the end. To feel that immense darkness and then to feel overwhelming light so close together made everything so much more poignant. Really, I'm grateful for that horrible feeling, because it made the light seem that much brighter.
A week and a half later, I received my call. As I read the letter I tried not to read ahead, but I failed and almost started to cry. Belgium/Netherlands Mission, Dutch-speaking, March 20th! I took a deep breath and read it out loud to my family and friends, including my grandparents on Skype, who are serving in their mission in the same place! My dad's ancestors are all from the Netherlands. It is a literal occurrence of "the hearts of the children... [turning] to their fathers." When I touch down in the Netherlands after I leave the MTC, I will be in the land of my ancestors.
It's amazing to me how much of a story there is to tell. It all just started with a little girl who wanted more people to experience Church. I have come so far since, and will only grow more in the next 66 days until the MTC, and then in the next 18 months. I am so grateful for the opportunity that I have to help the work along, and to serve my Heavenly Father as well as my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm so excited to increase my love for the people of Belgium and the Netherlands through service! I know that if I live the way the Gospel teaches, and listen for answers when I pray, I will not only have success, but also learn, grow, and mature into the woman who I am supposed to be.
As long as I can remember, I have had a strong desire to serve a mission. That desire has grown through various experiences, but it has been there since I was a little girl. I was always the loudest voice whenever we sang "I Hope They Call Me on a Mission" in Primary. I remember, when I was 7 or 8, singing "We’ll Bring the World His Truth" with my mom for my uncle's mission farewell when he went to the England London Mission. We got to take him to the airport to see him off, and I thought it was so cool that he got to go to England to teach people about Church! Church was so fun! Everyone should get to go to church!
Some years later - I think I was maybe 12 or 13, an older friend of mine (like nine years older than me) decided that she was going to serve a mission. I had looked up to her as long as I'd known her, so I always watched her as an example... My desire to serve my own mission was strengthened tenfold as I saw her prepare, receive her call to the Spain Madrid mission, and become the first missionary I would ever write. Her letters, though we did not exchange many, gave me great insight that I had not previously had as to what missions were actually like. She greatly inspired and influenced my decision to serve.
When I was 14, I received my patriarchal blessing. The Stake Patriarch was a man I had never met. As he laid his hands on my head and started to speak, I knew that he was called of God - he spoke about things that he could not have known about except through divine revelation. I waited for him to say something specific about a mission; to tell me flat out that, if I lived according to the Gospel, I would serve a mission. He didn't. He did, however, tell me I would bring people to the gospel - just not the means. I knew it didn't mean that I wouldn't go, and continued to feel that strong desire to serve.
Over the next five years, I had several more desire and testimony building experiences. There were a few times I believed the Spirit had witnessed to me that I would serve, but I was never certain, because I knew that my 21st birthday was far away, and a lot could happen before then.As I started college and watched friends and fellow students start to seriously date and get married, I realized that, though I did not want to get married before serving a mission, it was a possibility. I decided that if, before I was 21, I dated a man and, after much prayer and deliberation, was answered that I was supposed to marry him, I would do it. I would trust in the Lord, and follow His game plan. However, I still had a burning desire to serve, and held out hope that I would be able to go.
This last October in General Conference, when President Thomas S. Monson announced the age change (from 19 to 18 for men, 21 to 19 for women), the course of my life changed. I didn't have to wait any longer! My 19th birthday was just a few weeks away. I set up an interview with the bishop of my Young Single Adult ward at school, as well as scheduling appointments with both my advisor and the man over my research scholarship. I discovered that, school-wise, everything would work out perfectly! When I met with my bishop the next Tuesday, he had not yet received word from the bishop of my home ward, so he could not give me access to mission papers online yet. He told me to pray, fast, and study my scriptures to make sure that what I wanted was also the Lord's will, and to come back the following Sunday. He also read me this:
--Doctrine and Covenants 9:7-9
I had not really thought much about that before. What if I wasn't supposed to serve a mission, even though everything seemed to be working out in favor of it? Suddenly, after knowing it was what I wanted to do for almost my entire life, I was unsure. I wanted to do the Lord's will, but it was so hard for me to think about the possibility that, after a lifetime of desiring, a mission might not be what the Lord wanted for me. I did what the my bishop and the scripture said, but I didn't feel like I was getting an answer. Sunday came and I told my bishop that I would like to open my papers regardless. Even as I filled out my papers and went to the required doctor and dentist appointments, I did not feel like I had an answer yet.
I finished my papers on a Tuesday, and my bishop sent them to the Stake level. The Stake Executive Secretary called, and I set up an appointment with a member of the Stake Presidency for the next Sunday. As time went on, I became more and more worried that what I thought was the lack of an answer might actually be the "stupor of thought" that the Lord speaks of in D&C 9:9.
That Friday, I attended a wonderful Religion in Life devotional at our Institute. The sister who spoke, I believe her name was Sister Olsen, talked about her mission story - she did not want to serve a mission, but her bishop had asked her to consider it. She prayed about it, but did not feel like she was getting an answer, so she assumed that the Lord was leaving it up to her, and decided that she wasn't going. A friend of hers attended a devotional where an older sister spoke about receiving answers to prayers, and suggested that Sister Olsen come talk to this her and get her opinion on the situation. When asked, the older sister told her that she believed that the reason Sister Olsen was still concerned about the situation, despite her decision not to go, was that she had in fact received an answer, and it was a yes.
As wonderful as the devotional was, I started to doubt more than I ever had before. In my notes from the devotional, I wrote, "Have I already gotten my answer?" and "I need to be open to the Lord's will, even if His will is that I stay here." I was upset, and, as I thought about it more, I actually began to feel physically sick. I biked back to my apartment, took the stairs two at a time, entered my door, and called my mother.
I felt horrible - what if my answer really was no? What would I tell my bishop and the Stake Presidency? I knew that they'd understand, but I felt like I'd be letting them down, after taking up time they could have spent interviewing other people. Despite my dismay at the thought of what might happen, I decided that if my answer really was no, I would stay home, even if it was hard. I also felt that, either way, everything would make sense after my interview. My dark feeling turned into tears as I told my mom about the devotional and my doubts. She consoled me as best she could, but also told me that my fears could very well be real. She also reminded me that, if I felt darkly, maybe the feeling wasn't the Holy Ghost - maybe it was Satan. I'd forgotten about the power of adversary in my search for an answer. After discussing this possibility, because it was very definitely a dark feeling, my mom advised me to continue praying and studying until my interview - maybe by then I'd have a definite answer.
After what seemed like an eternity, my Sunday appointment rolled around. I walked into the office of President Rigby, the second counselor in the Stake Presidency. After an opening prayer and introductions both ways, he started the interview. I answered all of his questions, a little bit nervous that he'd tell me I wasn't supposed to go, or that I'd receive a definite answer that this was not what I was supposed to be doing. He asked me a few questions about my papers, made a few corrections... and the he asked me why I wanted to serve a mission.
As I pondered his question, I was overcome by an overwhelming sense of joy. I told him why - I am so grateful for Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, and I cannot bear to think that there are people out there who cannot partake in its blessings simply because they don't know about them! I realized that even though I did not know where I would be serving, I already loved the people there, wherever it was. I told him as much, and he told me that feeling will only grow. He congratulated me on my decision, told me he would send my papers on to Salt Lake later that day, and we closed with a prayer. The whole time I kept thinking, "I got my answer! I got my answer! I'm supposed to go! How could I not see it before!? I got my answer!"
As hard as those few weeks of doubt were, they were so worth it. If anything, they made me more sure about my decision in the end. To feel that immense darkness and then to feel overwhelming light so close together made everything so much more poignant. Really, I'm grateful for that horrible feeling, because it made the light seem that much brighter.
A week and a half later, I received my call. As I read the letter I tried not to read ahead, but I failed and almost started to cry. Belgium/Netherlands Mission, Dutch-speaking, March 20th! I took a deep breath and read it out loud to my family and friends, including my grandparents on Skype, who are serving in their mission in the same place! My dad's ancestors are all from the Netherlands. It is a literal occurrence of "the hearts of the children... [turning] to their fathers." When I touch down in the Netherlands after I leave the MTC, I will be in the land of my ancestors.
It's amazing to me how much of a story there is to tell. It all just started with a little girl who wanted more people to experience Church. I have come so far since, and will only grow more in the next 66 days until the MTC, and then in the next 18 months. I am so grateful for the opportunity that I have to help the work along, and to serve my Heavenly Father as well as my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm so excited to increase my love for the people of Belgium and the Netherlands through service! I know that if I live the way the Gospel teaches, and listen for answers when I pray, I will not only have success, but also learn, grow, and mature into the woman who I am supposed to be.
Beautifully written Kira. Having mothered three sister missionaries [and two elders], I know you're doing the right thing and that this will be an amazing time for you, your mom and dad, and all the family. It is a great privilege to serve the Lord in this way and at this particular time in the world's history
ReplyDeleteThank you, Janet! I am so grateful for the opportunity to serve, and so excited to share the gospel!
DeleteThis is such a beautiful story, thank you for sharing. As reading it, I couldn't help but feel like the first part is my exact same story. I seem to be stuck though. My papers are submitted and I feel as though I still have not gotten an answer. How were you so sure that your answer was a "yes" And how did you know?
ReplyDeleteKrista, I can imagine that's super hard! Honestly, I just knew it was a yes. I don't know how else to explain it. If you don't feel like you've gotten a definite answer yet, you probably haven't.
DeleteBefore I got my answer, I talked to a lot of people who had similar experiences. Some of them said that their definite answer didn't come until they were already in the field! Honestly, my advice is just to go forward with faith. Sometimes the Lord stands back and lets you make your own decision before He gives His input. And keep searching for an answer! This talk helped me a ton: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/using-the-supernal-gift-of-prayer?lang=eng
Good luck! :)
Thank you so so much!!! I really appreciate your advice :) Seriously thank you so much! You will be an incredible missionary. Good luck!!! :)
DeleteNo problem at all, ma'am! Always happy to help a Sister out! :) Aw, thank you so much! Good luck to you, too! :)
DeleteI think it's so cool that you'll be in the land of your ancestors. I'm going to England and that's where my family is from too! My grandpa keeps telling me where to find there graves and stuff. He's a funny guy. But I love that you shared your story!
ReplyDelete